A change

I've become bored lately. Bored with this blog. It doesn't have the features I would like to use. It's plain. It's unfocused. And I think I need a change. In the next week or so, I believe I will leave this site and create a blog through another free blog site which offers more features and fun stuff. I would also like a little more anonymity. Okay . . . go ahead - laugh! I know. . . no one really reads this blog, anyway. A few of my friends have this link. If they visit I don't know about it. Do I care? I guess I shouldn't.

I suppose by writing anonymously, I won't have a reason to hold back. I can focus on my writing, which I plan to pursue more adamantly in the new year. That will be the focus of my new blog - writing creatively.

So, thanks for those that read. I do appreciate it. See you out there in cyberspace as I lurk around your sites.

To resolve or not to resolve?

I ponder this every year. Should I make a resolution? I know I'm not going to keep it. For example, last year I resolved to not stress so much. Hmph! I know that I've not kept that one! What a joke! I'm stressing about something right now that has caused me to have nightmares for the past few nights and spend this morning crying.

And it's not just about being embarrassed if others know I have not kept my resolution. I think it's personally shaming even if I'm the only one who knows I have broke my resolution. Its a sense of defeat and failure. I have to think - why bother?

I've had many resolutions in the past. . .
2004 - Get published. (Ha! Unfulfilled.)
2005 - Stop eating so much chocolate. (I eat more now than ever!)
2006 - Exercise more. (Right!)
2007 - Stop stressing so much. (Never skipped a beat in my ever increasing panic attacks.)
2008 - drumroll . . . . . . . . be more organized in all areas of living.

I think specifically of our basement. What a task! We stayed home New Years Eve just to get a jump on it. It actually looks worse now that we've moved a few things around. It's been an albatross in our lives since our third year of marriage. We just accumulated things - magazines that we (my husband) can't throw away, bird houses that the squirrels chewed up, old high school trophies that our parents finally decided they needed to get rid of, a myriad of Christmas ornaments and wedding favors all collected over eight years of marriage. It's driving me out of my mind!

So, that's it. We'll see, with all the changes the new year will bring, if I can keep '08's resolution.

Christmas day

It's four minutes before Christmas day. I just returned home from the 10pm church service, and I'm now watching A Christmas Story. As I sit here on our cat-clawed couch, I'm having a flash back. This movie conjures up specific Christmas memories for me. Maybe it's the oldness of it all, the worn carpet on the stairs, the bad gifts or Christmas shared with a sibling, but suddenly I'm 12 years old, watching Christmas lights from the back of a gold Oldsmobile. I'm asleep before we make it home, and I stumble out of the car and into blackness. The house smells like Christmas - pine tree, tape, wrapping paper and cookies.

My brother and I share a room - his room. I'm on the cot and he takes the bed. We talk for what seems like hours about what we might get the next morning, anticipating daybreak so we can jump out of bed and wake mom and dad.

I miss those days. I wish I could reminisce with my brother but he's not here anymore. He died at age 33 - same age I am now. Seems weird.

My prayers always include gratitude for my childhood, a brother whom I will always cherish, who provided memories I would not have otherwise had. And although he has been gone for almost three years now and life has moved on, I know that I will one day see him again because of Christmas day. Because of the baby Jesus who came to lived among us as fully God and fully man and gave His life for us at age 33 so that we can have eternal life.

I'll see my brother again. For that, I'm eternally grateful.

Giving

One of my blog buddies - www.keeperofthechocolates.blogspot.com has recently reminded us all what's most important. That is, to love those around us by giving. To care for the widowed and orphans. While it's an excellent thing to give all year round, let's especially be reminded of this at Christmas. Instead of complaining about the Reindeer sweater we got from Aunt Nancy or the turkey dinner that's too dry to swallow, let's be thankful for our blessings and remember others. Choose an organization and give! What a wonderful thing to do!

My friend suggests World Vision (www.worldvision.org). My husband and I give to Compassion (www.compassion.com) by supporting a little girl in Ethiopia. Honestly, it's one of the best, most important things I do in my life.

So, visit the above blog site or one of the many charity organizations and make a difference!

Birthday

My birthday was this week. Wednesday, Dec. 5th, to be exact. I'm now 33. I have this thing about birthdays. I'm always grumpy on my birthday, a little tense. Worried something bad will happen, that my day won't proceed in a perfect fashion. I've been like this since I was . . . well, since I was one! There's too much pressure!! It's my special day!!! What if it's not "special?"

When we were kids, I would get upset if my brother got more presents than me. (We shared a birthday week.) It didn't matter if my one gift cost ten times his five. I would throw a fit and pout in a corner.

When I got older, the fits just manifested themselves in different ways. I have a best friend - Ashley. She always calls me on my birthday. Has done this since we were 14. I think it was my 16th birthday when she called to say "Happy Birthday!!" I said, "Happy Birthday to you, too - I mean. . uhhhh." I was upset at myself for the rest of the day because I had stupidly said "Happy Birthday" back. And with that, my special day was ruined.

So, when I say that I'm just happy I didn't get a parking ticket or crash my car on my birthday, you'll understand why.

Falling out

I want to shave my head and get it over with! I don't know what's going on, but all I know is that I've stopped following my every other day hair washing routine because handfuls upon handfuls of my hair have been filling my shower drain for the past month. I'm afraid to wash my hair anymore. It's coming out in gobbs! I'm freaking out!

In an effort to maintain a few strands of hair I went to my local GNC and bought biotin shampoo and biotin vitamins, both of which have helped none! Now, strangely my hair loss is barely visible, but I know it and it bothers me.

I'm guessing my hair loss is due to either a hormonal change, a change of seasons (which seems unlikely since I've experienced fall before) or a delayed reaction to the illness I had from August to September in which I ate only peanut butter and pita bread while in Egypt.

I'm calling my doctor for blood tests on Monday. Any other suggestions?

Lead infestation

Lead. It's everywhere these days. I just don't get it. How does this happen? First it's our toys; things our precious little ones put in their mouths. They teeth on them, they love them, and they trust us to keep them safe and healthy. What are we to do?

Now it's in our lipstick. I was shocked to learn that L'Oreal - my favorite lipstick - has high amounts of lead in their lipstick and it can cause infertility. Is this why I'm infertile? I've worn lipstick for many years, only having a sneaking suspicion that it could contain something reproductive prohibiting. But, I dismissed this gnawing feeling, not wanting to be too paranoid as I had already examined every facet of my life from night light (light coming into your bedroom at night) to soy-laden foods to cleaning products. When watching the news report on lead-laden lipstick, I discovered that it was only present in red lipstick. Still not comforting.

Another report came out this morning on a particular Curious George doll that has been recalled due to lead paint on the face. Not "Curious George!" I thought. I have all the Curious George books and several Curious George dolls I plan on passing down to my children someday.

As we prepare to adopt our child, I am mentally preparing for war. What kind of toys will I give my children? Will I have to make them myself? Or should I go to a special store? I know there are special toy stores out there. Hmmmmm. . . . These are options.